H

Life seems so complicated.
I try to smile, I try to be happy,
To put on a face that others seem to think is appropriate,
Or necessary, even,
But they never work.
Not for me, anyways.
I long for the day I can walk into my church
And not be afraid of who might be there.
I want to go for a walk through Bell Park
And not dread who I might bump into.
She makes me feel small, worthless,
Like I can do nothing of value or importance.
I am no one.
I do not deserve to breathe her air, or drink her water,
Or live on her planet.
There are times when I am ignorant of the
Hatred she pours out towards me,
I live unknowing of the ways she manipulates
The people I call friends, the ways she tries to
Turn them from me.
But of late, and most recently,
Her attempts to avoid me disappeared.
She now walks me by,
Flaunting the guy on her arm.
She passes me, glaring forward with seething
Passion, hoping I will notice how upset she is.
If it is an apology she seeks,
She will not get it – though not for lack of trying.
I cannot speak to her.
She will not let me.
She has decided my fate, and
I have to live with it.